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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Sometimes you just need to write a song

So...this weekend has been long and emotional.  Monday was easy.  Tuesday was stressful because of the concerto competition.  Wednesday was stressful because I had a big paper due on Thursday morning.  Thursday night I worked at closing shift at Mario's from 8pm to 12am, which was extremely exhausting.  Then Friday...bombshell day.

On Friday after orchestra, at 5pm, Mom called me to tell me that Maamaa, my great grandma, had a stroke in her brain.  She isn't responding.  She isn't coming home.

Not awake...and she won't be again.

It has been several months since my heart has broken like this.  It's been a long time since something has plagued my mind so much and drained my focus in such a way that I couldn't function.

Friday was an emotionally exhausting night...it was hard to get through.  I didn't understand what was happening...Maamaa had been pretty healthy, although she had refractured her hip after falling for the second time a couple days after Thanksgiving.

I don't even remember half of what happened on Friday.  I tried to practice but failed after bursting into tears after every three notes of the G major scale.  But praise the Lord for my violin professor, who was in his office!  I asked him if he would pray for our family and then told him what was going on, partly because I needed to talk to someone and also I knew that it could save lots of awkwardness later if I broke down randomly during my lesson.  (Which, of course, I want to avoid at all costs.  The awkwardness, not the lesson.)  After talking through the situation for a while, Prof. Thompson read Psalm 31 to me and prayed.  Then he tried to get my mind off of everything.  It made things a little better, but I still couldn't focus on anything.

Saturday...long...very very long...I was able to focus on violin and school a little better than Friday, but still would have bouts of tearful explosions.

Sunday.  By now I'm just waiting on a call from my mom to tell me that it's over...I don't want that phone call, but I'm at that stage where I'm just waiting.  To be perfectly honest with you all, I'm dreading every single day.  I'm dreading that phone call that is the hideous truth that my great grandma is in heaven with Jesus.  Not that that last bit is totally horrible, but just the selfish fact that she's gone.  It could be ten minutes from now or ten days.  She's not on life support...we're letting her go naturally.

But I don't want her to go.  Ever.

Today in the practice room, however, instead of actually practicing (which I needed to do), I wrote a song.  This song has actually helped me with my current attitude.  Even though I'm not there, I'm writing as if I am...


I Will Remember You

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking,
To the sound of
Machines beeping, staggered breathing,
The time has come...

Whispered voices, painful choices,
Chilling out hearts...
Greater forces, running horses,
Couldn't pull me away...

For I will not leave you!
I don't want you to leave me!
But I know...your time has come...

So I will remember you for the rest of my days.
I'll remember your smile, your laugh, your words.
I will remember you to all of my family.
I'll make sure that your memory won't die.
No matter what I do, I'll remember you.

Strong embraces, silent places
Surrounding your bed...
We lift our faces with shattered praises
For the days of your life.

For I will not leave you!
I don't want you to leave me!
But I know...your time has come...

So I will remember you for the rest of my days.
I'll remember your smile, your laugh, your words.
I will remember you to all of my family.
I'll make sure that your memory won't die.
No matter what I do, I'll remember you.

My heart can't handle these regrets I hold inside.  
If you could open up your eyes and say it's alright...
If you could see us...
Then this pain would die and not you!

So I will remember you for the rest of my days.
I'll remember your smile, your laugh, your words.
I will remember you to all of my family.
I'll make sure that your memory won't die.
No matter what I do, I'll remember you.
So I will remember you for the rest of my days.
I'll remember your smile, your laugh, your words.
I will remember you to all of my family.
I'll make sure that your memory won't die.
No matter what I do, I'll remember you.

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