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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Is this fear...or sheer terror?

I want quiet...but I want to be around people.  I need to be around people right now.  And this is only to keep me from breaking down.  I'm hoping that whoever can see me right now really can't tell that I'm shaking...and too close to letting the tears slip out.

My problem?  I'm scared.  Scared of this trial.  At first, I thought all I was going to do was to get on a stand and get to give my big forgiveness speech and then sit back down and be done.  But that's not the case.  I actually have to testify on the stand, go through the whole "do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth" spiel you see in movies and get questioned by the defense attorney...or whoever is defending the guy who broke in to begin with.  I didn't know I had to do that whole thing...and suddenly I don't want to have anything to do with it.

Fear is defined as "a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., the feeling/condition of being afraid."

Terror is defined as "an intense, sharp, overmastering fear".

Which do I have?  I don't know.  All I know is that only a month or so ago, I wanted to get up there and forgive this man for what he did and how he's affected me.  But now...I'm not so sure.

Dad told me that the prosecutor for the case has to meet with me and put me on the stand in a mock trial and essentially attempt to fluster me so that I won't get overwhelmed during the real thing.  Apparently, whoever's defending the man who committed the crime will attempt to trip me up over my own words and confuse me with my own testimony.  Why?  I know that's his job...but why would someone take such a job?  I don't understand...he's guilty!  He admitted to the crime to begin what good is a defense attorney going to be?  What does this man want?  I don't understand...and I'm almost tired of trying to understand.

I just want to be done.  I want to be done with this stress, frustration, and fear.  I know I have some form of PTSD and I want to be done with it.  I want to be done with the pain in my elbow and my heart.  I ache inside for this man, of how lost he actually is.  Sometimes the pain in my elbow is intense enough that I can't practice or put weight on it.  I'm just done.  I'm trying not to be angry at him, but I'm losing that battle too.

I have to admit, that I'm not just scared to death about this trial...I'm angry.  I'm angry that the original date was postponed...and that the spring break date, which was perfect beyond anything I could ask for, was postponed.  I don't get what this man wants, what he hopes to gain from constantly moving the trial farther and farther away.  If he doesn't want a trial, why didn't he just accept the years he was offered in the first place?

When I read the case file to keep up to date with any of the changes happening, I get teary-eyed and emotional.  Just looking at how the process went down brings up emotions I haven't really felt for a while.  When I tell the story, I have to be honest...I suppress the emotions as a general rule.  I try to act like it's not big deal anymore and all that it is is something I can brush off with the humor in it.  But I can't always do that.  Some days I can.  Others...I can't.  That's when I fake no one can tell the difference.

I don't even know how to tie up this post in a nice neat little bow.  It's not really a nice neat little package anyway I's just a mess of my words and feelings, trying to get them out before I explode into tears around my fellow students.  Me and fear don't really mix well, because it cripples me to the point of curling up into a ball and just crying and hiding, not solving anything.  And that's what's about to happen to me, if I don't get a handle on this.

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