This last Sunday, we sang a new song. Over and over we sang "I will...wait on the Lord." Well, other people sang; I just stood there thinking. I don't like singing worship songs where I'm saying something that I don't really mean. I couldn't bring myself to sing that I will wait on the Lord because I hardly ever do.
Why don't I wait on the Lord?
Well, for one thing I don't like giving up control. It just makes sense to my human brain that I would be more at peace if I had control of everything in my life. That's not true of course. I'm sure a lot of my stress problems are because I'm actually taking control. I don't sit still well. I don't like sitting in silence. My brain doesn't shut off. I don't like awkward silence.
I don't like awkward silence.
If you're my violin professor at college, you know this extremely well. In fact, you're the one who made me realize that in the first place. There you go, incorporating faith in learning again, even months later. You should feel proud! :)
I don't like sitting in silence. My mind simply refuses to focus. I'll sit and "pray", which is actually usually me doing a lot of talking and rambling on about things I don't understand or things I want to have fixed or just anything that's on my mind. When I finish my big long "talking to God" speech, I'll sit and think about something else. Or daydream. That's the most popular one I do. Sometimes I'll do a puzzle or read a book or play a game on my phone. Or text people. The only thing I never, ever do is just sit and allow God to do what He wants. I don't ever shut up and just listen. That's why I screw things up so much and rush into things and get myself hurt and broken...because I won't sit and wait for God.
I sit and daydream, instead of sitting in passionate silence.
Passionate silence. It's not meant to be awkward...it's meant to be calm and beautiful and remind me who I am and who has given me breath. After all, I live breath by breath. I have no control over if I get my next breath or not. I'd like to think that and fight with every possible reason I can come up with, but really, breathing is out of my control. God gives it to me. God has given me so much, yet I still have not learned to wait, even a little bit?
God created a day of rest for us, but my mind never rests. I'm always thinking, always dreaming, always trying to come up with solutions on my own. I go to church on Sunday and will rest my physical body, but I won't rest my mind. I won't sit in silence and wait on the Lord...and I know now that's it's not just because I haven't learned how to do it. It's because I can't stand awkward silence when I'm around other people and when I'm sitting alone in my room, talking to God. I always have to be doing things because I don't like the awkward silence that encompasses my mind when I seemingly have nothing to do.
I can't live like this. It's not healthy. I'm gonna kill myself trying to fill every second of my time by avoiding being quiet before the Lord. I have to learn to sit in passionate silence and wait upon the Lord. However, I know that He will be worth every silent second that passes.