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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Twelve more hours

Twelve hours until it all ends.  The trial.  I'm absolutely petrified.  I have so many what if's going through my mind...

What if I have a complete break down in front of everyone?

What if anger takes hold and I try to attack the man who has made my days alone a living hell?

What if I can't forgive him?

These are just a few of the dozens of questions whirling around in my mind and crashing into each other.  If only I can calm my mind down enough to think logically for a minute...

There is no reason to be afraid.  You saw this man back in January and you were pretty much fine, aside from the quickening beat of your heart and the breathless feeling you got as emotions began to toy with you.  But really, you had been able to see him in a different light.  How is this trial any different?  He's pleaded guilty, there will be no cross-examining, you'll get to make your statement...

Aaaaaaaand that calm moment is over.  I suppose it's my "forgiveness statement" that terrifies me the most.  I know that I'm supposed to be bigger than this and be strong and courageous and a warrior, but sometimes I want to say to heck with it all and curl up in a ball on the floor!

Oh wait.  Already did that.

Last week, my brain was on overload because I knew this trial was coming.  Most nights I couldn't sleep until close to one in the morning, sometimes not until two, because even the sound of my pulse in my ear sounded like someone walking around.  There were a couple of nights I fell asleep with my flashlight in my hand, ready to blind any imaginary intruder that would dare show it's pretend face in my room.  Some days were more stressful than others.  Some days I was fine.  Some days, I would feel so empty, like God had left me.  Now though, I know He was just gone fighting back the demons that were threatening to plague me with worse fears than I was already experiencing.

I'm praying that those days and nights of fear, panic, and anxiety will be over and done with after this trial.  Old news.  Trash.  On the curb.  Killed.  Finished.  Never to be experienced again.

I'm not saying I don't want to be cautious or be completely free of suspicion.  It's good to be on your guard.  However, I don't want to be stricken with fear every time I hear any sort of sound that is out of place.  The creaks from the wind, the drips of the rain, the breathing of my dad in the next room.  Will this trial finally put an end to all of that?

Even though I want to give my entire speech tomorrow to this man, all I need to say is "I forgive you."  "You are forgiven."  But will I have the nerve?  Will I mean it?  Some people have faith in me...why don't I?  I chased these guys out of my house for crying out loud!  Why don't I have faith in the God that gave me the strength to act the way I did?  Why don't I have faith in the God who fights my demons for me when I can't?  He's gotten me this far, why don't I have faith that He will get me through tomorrow?

Twelve more hours...twelve more hours until this hell is over, or the volcano erupts.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

I write songs just to work through things

Just as an FYI to anyone who has ever said or thought that I should be a professional songwriter or anything like that, even though that'd be pretty cool, I could never do that.  My best songs come from things that are heavy on my heart; issues I have to work through.  Anyone who's ever dealt with me during my stressful and emotional days know that I have to talk through things to get over them.  And that's what this song is.  It's how I'm dealing with stressful happenings in my own life.

And I hope that it helps you too, whoever you end up being.



YOUR RAINBOW     --by Angelica

You've gotta stay strong in this nightmare
But you cannot act like you don't care
Don't give up, and don't give in

Don't let it change who you are
And don't you dare lose heart
Don't give up, and don't give in

When you feel your strength is gone,
When there's nothing to lean on,
When you think you can't go on,
When you're barely hanging on!

Look past the clouds...
Look through the rain coming down!
Look too the sky...
There's a hope to help you fly!
You're standing under the colors of your rainbow;
Now you know God won't let you drown.

Don't believe you will lose the fight
Open your eyes to see the light
Don't give up, and don't give in

Don't act like you've lost hope
Don't think you can't cope
Don't give up, and don't give in

When you feel your strength is gone,
When there's nothing to lean on,
When you think you can't go on,
When you're barely hanging on!

Look past the clouds...
Look through the rain coming down!
Look too the sky...
There's a hope to help you fly!
You're standing under the colors of your rainbow;
Now you know God won't let you drown.

When the truth weighs so much,
When you feel you cannot trust,
Look up!
Don't give up and don't give in,
Don't let it push you down again,
You're bigger than this pain within,
God's going to win!!

Look past the clouds...
Look through the rain coming down!
Look too the sky...
There's a hope to help you fly!
You're standing under the colors of your rainbow;
Look past the clouds...
Look through the rain coming down!
Look too the sky...
There's a hope to help you fly!
You're standing under the colors of your rainbow;
Now you know God won't let you drown.