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Thursday, December 4, 2014

I Believe in Love

Now, don't freak out.  This is not going to be one of those mushy gushy blog posts about love and flowers and stuff.  Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely a hopeless romantic, without a doubt.  But that's not what my point is, anything romantic related.

Hopefully, you all know the four different kinds of love (one of them I didn't really know, so it's okay if you only know three.)

There is storge love, which is affection.  Brotherly love.  Love between a family or family figures.  We may not be able to choose our family, but we can definitely choose to love them, particularly when you don't want to.  That's what family does anyway, right?  :)

Next is philia; friendship love.  Sometimes, I think that the bond of friendship is one of the strongest bonds you can have.  Yeah, we all that one friend.  Are you thinking of someone?  You should tell them how much you love and appreciate them...just saying :)

Then there is eros...romance.  Okay all you married and dating folks, you ought to be with me on this one if no one else is...this kind of love is crucial to our very existence.  We are needy creatures, whether we like it or not.  While we don't technically need this love in order to, yes, reproduce, it will honestly make the growing population happier.  And happier people tend to not do so many horrible things.  Typically.

Finally, there is agape, God's unconditional love.  I know I will be absolutely useless in trying to explain this love.  Because I'm useless at understanding it.  Just know that even though you are a pretty crappy person and that you sin...a lot...God still loves you!  Even though you swung the hammer that crashed the spikes into his hands, God still is so in love with you that He wants you to stay with Him forever in heaven.

But that perfect love, as amazing as it is, is not why I'm writing this to you.  No, there is one more love that I believe in.

Tough love.

Yep, I went there.

That love that we all need but never want.  That love that actually is better for us than all of those good loves combined (except God's love,...because it is perfect.)  Tough love is what shapes us and molds us.

And I needed that today.

And an attitude check.

And yes, I made it through my lesson without crying.  Hmm...some of my biggest lessons come from violin lessons...I wonder why that is.  ;)

I have never felt confident in playing unaccompanied Bach.  I don't even know why...part of it is because my teacher is like, an expert on Bach so I'm always paranoid I'm going to completely botch it up and he's gonna flip out.  Okay, that's a little extreme, I know.  And because I'm always a nervous wreck when it comes to lessons on it, I never play it right anyway.  Gee Angel, that logic went far.

Today, Dr. Thompson asked me what made this particular movement introverted.  Thinking he was completely serious, I proceeded to answer with what I thought was truly brilliant; it's a conversation with yourself.  Turns out that was a trick question intended to be rhetorical.

And he seemed so serious when he asked it.

Darn.

We bantered a bit as I tried to come up with excuses as to why this is hard for me.  Yes, I know, that's lame and a really horrible example to others.  I feel bad about that, okay?

After a few minutes, Dr. Thompson said, "I'm going to be mean now."  That just puts everyone's mind at ease.  "You need to completely change your attitude about this music."  Basically, get over it.  Classic Dr. Thompson phrase.  But there's a reason why he tells it to me so much...

He continued telling me that I needed to learn how to love this music and love the lower half of my bow because he has given me the tools to learn it, yet he knows that I avoid it.  Hearing my professor say that broke my heart.  Yeah, he was right.  I am terrified of playing Bach, so I avoid it at all costs.  But that's not how anything gets done, by avoiding it.

I really need to stop running from my problems.  It's a really bad habit.

So there I stood, in my professor's office, broken.  Realizing how I'd disappointed him, even though he wouldn't really say it.  I could see it written all over his face.  No, I'm not a complete disappointment.  He's told me he's been proud of me several times this semester.  But this, this was different.

I think he could tell I was broken, because he added, "Don't tear up on me now!"  A little late for that, but it made me laugh.

"I'm saying this because I care about you.  It's called tough love."  Yes it is, Dr. Thompson.  Yes it is.
And I truly did need it today.  Tough love hurts, that's why it's called tough.  But that's how I'm going to learn and become a better person and a better musician.  So, thank you Dr. Thompson.  Raw honesty is brutal, but after the initial wound has been made, I start to swell with happiness, knowing you care about me and my studies more than just wanting me to get a certain phrase right.

Tough love.  I believe in it.

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