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Tuesday, November 17, 2015

It still hurts

Dear Mom,

It's been a month now...so why isn't the pain any better? Your own son has accepted your death better than I have. Why does it still bring tears to my eyes some days?

I guess it's because there are years of memories that suddenly disappeared that morning you went to heaven. Dallas has almost twenty-two years of memories to look back on and smile about...I have an empty shelf. All those memories have been transferred to the "what if" section.

I'm trying to be a big girl and not focus on all those what ifs and can't haves. I want you in my life...I want you back because I never really felt like I'd gotten to the point where I felt like we were a part of each other's family. I've heard so many people claim me as family and tell me that I was a daughter to you, but I wish I could have heard you say it.

I'll work on being patient. I promise. There are a lot of things I keep promising you. God, give me the strength to keep these promises.

Until next time Mom.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Pray without ceasing

I haven't changed my profile picture to the colors of France to match everyone else. I know that this does nothing to improve the situation.

Instead, it is my visual reminder to pray for the country of France, the people affected, and those affected by similar tragedies across the world. For once, I'm not just conforming to look good or so that people don't think I'm heartless (because I know people will think that). And if you don't feel right changing your picture, then don't! By all means, don't follow suit because you don't people to judge or condemn you. All I am doing is expressing my thoughts behind my decision. Everyone will have different reasons, different convictions. It's a matter of the heart, not of how it looks to other people. It's a matter of prayer, not public image.

This is my way of showing my support in hopes that it changes one person's life. I will pray not only for France, but for the souls of those responsible, that they may one day see the light. I will pray for the world, as we grapple with this spirit of evil that refuses to give up.

I am greatly saddened by these events and honestly, they make me sick to my stomach. But that means nothing to those who now have an empty place setting at Christmas. There is nothing I can physically do to make this better. (And guess what, revenge isn't really the answer.)

All I can do is show my support in the simplest way that I can; by wearing my red, white and blue. The answer is love and surrender and complete brokenness before the Father. No, I don't need this "temporary profile picture" to do that. I don't need it to make others think well of me.

I didn't do this for others. I did this for me. So that I would pray. And I would pray every time I saw my picture.

God is good, and He has won the war, even though some of the battles seem to be missing His victory. He has won and I will praise Him in the midst of the storm for the people who did not die in these attacks in France, Kenya, and anywhere else in the world.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

I have decided...

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.

No turning back.

That statement means more than just staying true to faith in Jesus and not giving up on the salvation you know he has given you. Saying you won't turn back from following Jesus also means you won't cease pursuing Him. Something I have not been good at doing.

Forgive me Father, for I have strayed...I have strayed from your presence. I don't practice what I preach and I have turned back from following you so many times because I didn't "have time" or I just didn't want to.

Oh God, I only need you. You're my hero, my first love, my first responder, even if I don't dial 911 right away.

God, I praise you that you have never given up on me, that you have remained by my side even when I haven't given you the attention you so desire.

I want to seek Christ with all I have: all my energy, my love, my mind. No matter the obstacles of laziness and mediocrity that plague me every day of my life. I need more Jesus in my life.

But that means I have to consciously make an effort.

No good grade or affirming word could ever measure up to the very presence of God in my life. I need His strength to get through each and every day.