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Friday, January 29, 2016

Broken Worship

Worship is more than the songs we sing. We've all been told this at some point in our lives.

But do we believe it?

I thought I did.

For over a year, I haven't been worshiping God with the gifts He's given me. I've talked about it, I've been reminded of it, but it hasn't sunk in until tonight. The only opinion that matters in life is the Heavenly Father's. He has so much love to give you, more than anyone else. So why shouldn't his opinion be the most important?

I got focused on man's opinion of me to the point that it became my idol. No wonder my craft, my music, was physically painful to practice. I couldn't find the joy or fulfillment in following what I believed God was calling me to do. Practicing had become such an agonizing chore that I died a little in my spirit every time I went into the music building.

And then my boyfriend reminded me that I was becoming so focused on what others thought of me and the competitiveness I was overdoing in my attempt to improve that it was killing me on the inside. I had lost sight of the main reason I was studying music: to better the lives of others by introducing music and giving them the resources to pursue it on their own. I had forgotten the truth of God.

God is the one calling me to a life in music, not man. Man's opinion is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. As long as I am following Christ, His opinion of me is the only one that holds any weight or importance. And I'm called to bring Him glory through my music.

There's this book I was told to read that my roommate and I spent hours laughing over one week. However, there is a statement that actually has some validity to it. My practice room is my "practice temple". It is here that I bare my soul to the God of the Universe and give Him all the praise and honor through my practice.

Instead, my practice room had become the place where the dark depths of anger and frustrated took hold of my attitude. Many emotions have been experienced in those little rooms. They feel like prison cells sometimes.

I forgotten what it was like to worship God through my music. I wanted it to be right and for me to improve the way I wanted.

But you know what?

Worship isn't supposed to be perfect. We aren't perfect people. Only God is perfect. He loves us perfectly. All I can do is worship Him completely.

Completely worship God. That means my worship is going to be messy. It's not always going to be the right notes or sound the best. But it is the cry of a broken daughter of Christ who is desperately in need of the love and grace of her Heavenly Father every day. My praise will improve the more I practice and the more I worship, but it's a process.

God reigns in this place. And a weight has been lifted from my chest and I feel so completely beautiful in the grace of my Savior.