I am scared. I am terrified. I am shaking. I am weeping. I am waist-deep in my unbelief.
I am not good at trusting you.
There's so much going on in this world, in the country, and I am so afraid of what it will bring. God, you know all about this election and the insanity that has ensued. You know of the crazy movements that have spawned, wreaking havoc on so many lives. You know of all the hurt, the pain, the hell that has broken loose.
And I'm afraid of it all.
Almost every Sunday, I hear more about the craziness of our country and the world and how it seems we are in the last days. I hear so many amens and hallelujahs that I want to scream. It's all I can do to not rock back and forth, holding my head in my hands, chanting, "It's just a dream, it's just a dream."
God, I'm not just scared of the election and what could happen if either main candidate is elected. I'm scared that they're right; that these are the end days. That Revelation could happen at any day.
And I don't want it to.
It makes me sick at heart to feel this way. I am at war within myself because I know where I'm going; I know that You are in control and I have nothing to truly fear. You are God, after all. Why should I fear?
But just because I know where I'm going doesn't mean I want to go there just yet.
I am selfish. I am so, incredibly selfish. There are so many songs we sing in church that talk about "surrendering all" or placing all my "hopes and aspirations" into Your hands, yet I realize that I have not done that if I am keeping a vice grip on every single one.
I have dreamed of being a "wife and a mommy" for as long as I can remember and I don't want to see that being ripped away from me. I don't want to miss out on that. I want to be able to raise my children in a safe place and teach them about Your goodness, about true love, and how to make the best buttermilk biscuits money can buy. I want those long, after curfew discussions where I lecture my teenage daughter for staying out too late. I want to try cheering for my son's first sports event. I want to hold my little girl's hair while she's up all night with the stomach flu and cradle her all day. I want to jump for joy when my son brings his fiance home. I want to cry at the sight of my first grandchild. I long for this; I desire this.
But Jesus, God Almighty, all these things are holding me back from you. My stubborn refusal to fully hand the reigns to you indicates that I don't fully trust you, that I am determined to live my life my way, whether I consciously think that or not.
Lord, I need you. Oh I need you. Every single hour of every single day I need you because I have no real control. None of us do.
1 Samuel talks about the Israelites demanding a king. You kept saying no, but they insisted. Finally, you gave in. This wasn't because they were right, but because you were tired of their unbelief. You know your children inside and out, because you created them. You knew what they needed, but you gave them what they thought they needed because sometimes, the only way we learn is by grave error.
And I'm afraid that's what you will do this election. You know who we need as our President. You know if we even need one. Yet, you have turned us over to our sinful desires before to teach us a lesson and I know you will do it again.
I'm just afraid of what will happen if you allow it for this election.
Lord, teach me to belief in you and not in me. Teach me to trust in you and not in humanity. Teach me to be satisfied with you and not in my daydreams. Teach me to surrender to you and not to myself.